The Sixpack Gourmet (1): Goldfish

Once upon a time, when I was young, there were no Goldfish. I mean Goldfish crackers, of course. As for the other kind of goldfish, I, like many children before and after me, brought a goldfish home in a plastic bag filled with water and tried to keep it as a pet. It died pretty promptly, as they always did. Of course, if I had had the slightest idea what was really needed to keep a goldfish alive, I might have done better, but I didn't.

But back to Goldfish crackers. The dictionary definition of a cracker is "a thin crisp wafer made of flour and water with or without leavening or shortening; unsweetened or semisweet." That covers a lot of territory, from your basic bland soda crackers, to hearty crispbread (Knäckebröd) made with whole grains, to sweetened, like graham crackers, to flavored, like Cheezits. Every cuisine has some kind of crackers, and American cuisine certainly has many, including the notorious Crown Pilot cracker used in chowder for decades in New England. Nabisco, the manufacturer of the Crown Pilot cracker, has tried to discontinue its production, only to be met with a huge uproar and a segment on Sixty Minutes. So the Crown Pilot lived on for a while, but it appears it has been discontinued again. I don't know what those poor Down-Easters are supposed to eat with their chowder, but that's their problem. I'm trying to get back to Goldfish.

The ancestor of the Goldfish is, in my opinion, the humble oyster cracker, which is a kind of soda cracker used in soup. I have fond memories of these crackers from my childhood. At any rate, the original Goldfish, made by Pepperidge Farm, tastes like an oyster cracker, but it is shaped like a tiny fish and baked. By this time, a couple of generations of little children have snacked on Goldfish, which now come in a variety of flavors, such as pizza, cheddar, and parmesan, and they can be tiny, small, or large, and even come in colors. I only like two flavors of Goldfish, original and pretzel. I mostly buy original, because Peterkin, my dog, doesn't like the pretzel flavored ones. He finds them too difficult to chew, and it's very disheartening to see him juggle one around in his mouth, spit it out, sniff it suspiciously, then sigh and turn away. Goldfish are my bedtime snack, and it is particularly upsetting to have Peterkin sighing when I'm trying to relax and get to sleep, so we only eat original Goldfish these days.

I suspect that a sociologist could discover interesting things about the United States by researching who eats what kinds and brands of crackers in which part of the country. Do you and your neighbors eat Ritz or Town House crackers? Do you eat Saltines or Zestas? Cheezits or Cheese Nips? Maybe I could interest you in a Triscuit? Do you want your crackers salted or unsalted? Are you into whole grain? Or maybe gluten-free is your preference. Whatever you want, you'll probably find a cracker to suit you, because this is America, the land of choice. Unless you want Crown Pilots, of course, in which case you're out of luck. But my favorites are Goldfish, which are eaten in their millions all over the country. Does that make me a Joe Sixpack? If so, I'll just have to plead guilty.