Beano before . . . .

I have been trying to eat healthier lately. In July, I had a complete physical. I don't like to have a physical, but my sister, my aunt, and my therapist nagged me until I made an appointment and kept it. Okay, so I hadn't had one in a while, but what's ten years?

The exam was preceded by bloodwork a couple of days before, then the physical itself. First, of course, I had to get weighed. Not good. Then I had to give them a urine sample. No problem. Like most women my age, there's no time when I can't pee a little. Then I had to get undressed and wait until the doctor was ready for me. Why are those paper gowns so dreadful? I'm not a fashion plate, but really! We'll skip the internal, the breast exam and the Pap smear. I'm hoping maybe I'll have some male readers some day, and I don't want to turn them off, even though I'm getting pretty tired of watching TV ads about ED and BPH (caused by a wonky prostate, if you don't know) myself. The worst part actually, was having to discuss the fact that my blood pressure and blood sugar were a little high, as was my cholesterol level. And really, according to the numbers, they were only a little high, but along with being overweight and having arthritic knees, things weren't good. So I said, "Do I need anything other than to lose weight and exercise more?" and the doctor said no.

So I went on a diet. I did eight weeks of Nutrisystem first, hoping to lose 20 pounds at one fell swoop. Not exactly, but I did lose 15, so that was good. Then I started a homemade version of Weight Watchers, because right now I am feeling too cheap to pay them a lot of money for what I already know. Been there, done that; just don't ask how many times I have been there and done that. It's working, albeit slowly, but I've got time. At least I hope I've got time. If I could average one pound per week of weight loss for the next year, I would be svelte enough to satisfy any doctor. Really. As Anna Russell used to say, "I'm not making this up, you know."

And I really am working at it. In a not unnatural reaction to processed foods (sorry Nutrisystem), I have been eating lots of vegetables, lots of fruit, lots of whole grains, very little red meat, and so on. Very healthy. The only problem is, very gassy, too. And that's the whole problem. Why should a healthy diet involve so much tooting?

Well, it's natural. I imagine our forefathers tooted a lot, too, but it has become uncool to toot, just as it has become uncool to have body odor and bad breath. I have it on good authority that halitosis (bad breath to you) was invented by people who wanted to sell mouthwash, and I imagine our concern with BO has the same sort of history. Maybe that's bad, but it's the way we feel about things these days, and there's no escaping it.

They say that chewing parsley is a good solution for bad breath, but if there is a reliable home remedy for excessive gas, I'd like to hear about it. For now, any time a toot escapes in public, I look up at the ceiling or search the room to see if there's a dog to blame.