No More Cable News for Me

Does this caption look like it came from a tabloid? That's what I think, too.

Okay, I've had it. I am through watching news on the cable news channels. All of their so-called virtues are vices in my book. Their highly-touted "raw, honest reporting" means sloppy, raucous drivel a good deal of the time. Honest is good, if it means factual and sincere, but I have my doubts whether anyone at CNN, MSNBC or Fox News Channel remembers what factual and sincere are about. And what's so good about raw? Thoughtful, insightful, well-considered reporting is what I'm looking for, and I have finally concluded that I will never find it on a 24-hour cable news network.

You may be asking yourself why it has taken me so long to reach this conclusion. The answer is that I am dumb, stubborn, and suffer from self-delusion. Even so, I have my limits, and the limits have been exceeded. No more crackpots like Bill O'Reilly, Lou Dobbs, and Sean Hannity. No more blowhards like Chris Matthews. No more breathless, fast-talking twerps like Anderson Cooper. No more smarmy, self-important anchors like Wolf Blitzer. No more talking heads shouting each other down. Even on Fareed Zakaria GPS the guests yell at each other and drown each other out. I thought Fareed Zakaria had more brains than that. No more yelping silliness from Keith Olbermann, the most sophomoric so-called newsman in the world! No more pundits of any kind. No more shouts of: "Breaking news! This just in!" I can't take it anymore, and I have exercised my right to change the station once and for all.

So what finally pushed me over the edge? Well, it was a variety of things. I'm tired of being shouted at and hectored by news anchors and overzealous journalists and pundits. I'm tired of having my intelligence insulted by people who are desperately trying to keep me on the hook for just one more segment. I'm tired of Jack Cafferty reading out the silly answers to his silly questions and his blatant self-promotion. I'm tired of journalists interviewing journalists as if they were important people. I'm tired of "balanced" meaning one talking head from Column A and one from Column B and giving them a very short time to slug it out and see who can talk the fastest and the loudest. I'm sick to death of Wolf Blitzer cutting off an interviewee just as he or she starts to say something interesting that deviates from the script. I'm even sicker to death of Chris Matthews calling abusive monologues interviews.

And if that isn't enough, I'm tired of the ads for Flomax and Cialis, big ugly trucks and SUVs, and online banks, insurance companies, and stockbrokers. And even more, I'm sick of ads for gadgets, debt-reduction companies, cash for your gold jewelry, and all the other advertisements that look like they came out of the back pages of the trashy magazines I remember from my youth. In fact, it finally dawned on me that 24-hour news networks are tabloids, and I don't like it.

Fine, now that we have all that taken care of, what am I going to do for news? First, I'm going to continue to read the New York Times online. They have their share of annoying articles, but they don't shout at you, and you don't have to read anything you don't want to. There may be ads, but they are easier to ignore. Second, when I want TV news, I am going to watch The News Hour With Jim Lehrer on PBS. No more "raw" news for me. On the News Hour, people with brains have already reviewed the news stories of the day, made a choice about what is important to cover, and examined it in depth. It's moderate and low-key, and the pundits (there is no escaping pundits) don't shout at each other. And I may watch Washington Week in Review on PBS, as well. Gwen Iffel sits down with four journalists with expertise in certain areas and reviews the week's news for one half hour every week. Quietly, politely, with no shouting. I like that, and that's what I'm going with from now on.

Of course, if there really is a crisis of the kind that has you hanging on the TV and waiting for any and every bit of information that comes along, I may have to watch CNN, but I'm hoping it doesn't happen anytime soon. And even then, I'm going to impose a quota. As Walter Cronkite used to say, "And that's the way it is."

What's In Your Attic?

David Dickison is a Britsh antiques dealer who hosted a television game show about antiques and auctions. But you already knew that, didn't you, bargain hunters?

You may be familiar with the long-running PBS program Antiques Roadshow, in which a group of antiques experts sets up in various American cities to examine and value objects brought in by local residents. Often what comes in is junk, or just a cut above junk, but sometimes they discover a piece of great value. When the expert tells the owner that the piece, bought for $2 at a garage sale, would fetch thousands of dollars at auction, the owner always looks thunderstruck. Personally, I sometimes wonder if the astonishment is genuine. Nevertheless, Antiques Roadshow continues to be a very popular program, which has spawned its fair share of imitators. I am not a huge fan of Antiques Roadshow, because many of the objects are not of great interest to me, and the series of presentations and valuations usually makes me want to nod off. However, thanks to one of my sisters, I have discovered two other antiques programs that I find entertaining to watch. They are Cash in the Attic and Bargain Hunt, both broadcast on BBC America.

Cash in the Attic has a storyline: A person wants to raise cash for a particular project, maybe a vacation trip or a kitchen makeover, and he or she invites in the team from Cash in the Attic to rummage around their house or apartment to find objects that can be sold at auction to raise the money. The team consists of the presenter, in my experience usually Alistair Appleton, and one of two experts, Paul Hayes or Jonty Hearndon. In between finding goodies to be put on sale, Alistair talks to the homeowner about his or her project. Finally, once the objects have been identified, we watch them auctioned off and find out whether they bring in enough money to fulfill the person's dream. Sometimes an object expected to fetch a big price disappoints, while another that was valued less highly brings a huge profit. At some point, heralded by gentle "doom" music, it looks as if the person will not get all the money he or she is looking for, but somehow it generally comes out right in the end, and everyone is satisfied. There are some obligatory but brief warnings about auction commissions and VAT, but that is never publicly figured into the amount that the person makes from the auction. Of course, it helps that most of these people have been collectors or have inherited a lot of collectible objects from relatives. Otherwise, it's hardly likely that the team would find much in their houses that was worth selling. Anyway, at the end of the program everyone seems happy.

The other program, Bargain Hunt, is actually a species of game show. Two pairs of contestants, the Red Team and the Blue Team, get 200 British pounds apiece and one hour at an antiques and collectibles fair. They use the money to buy items that they think will make a profit in an auction sale. Each team is assigned an antiques expert as an advisor, and after the items are purchased, they are put into an auction a couple of weeks later. If the team makes a profit at the auction, they get to keep it. However, they more often end up with a sizeable loss. The host of the program is antiques dealer David Dickinson, known as "the Duke," who allegedly looks something like the hero of the television mystery series Lovejoy, about a British antiques dealer. Dickinson, who favors Italian suits and handmade shoes, has a rich Manchester accent and is always coming out with quaint expressions. "Coo! Isn't that a bobby-dazzler?" he'll say as he admires a fine piece of antique furniture. Seeing an item that can be had at a bargain price, he crows, "It's cheap as chips!"

Frankly, most of the teams on Bargain Hunt don't have much of a chance to make money because they are buying items at retail and then have to show a profit at auction. If they find something that is actually undervalued or do a bit of sharp negotiating, they may succeed. Otherwise, the auction price comes in well below what they had to pay in the first place. In addition, they supposedly only have an hour to find their (usually) three items, which gives them far too little time to make considered choices. As a result, they have to rely heavily on their experts, antiques dealers or auctioneers who are supposed to advise them, and often the experts don't give particularly good advice or even make mistakes in valuing the items they recommend. And frequently the team members ignore the advice they're given because they fall in love with a totally unsuitable item that turns out to be, as David Dickinson puts it, "a bit of old tat." However, one has the chance to hear about the import and manufacture of porcelain, the differences between Regency and Georgian furniture designs, how the condition of the items affects their price, and whether items have been restored or cobbled together. Dickinson's comment on an item of suspicious origin: "That's a bit of a licorice all-sorts, isn't it?" The show is rich in north of England accents and odd bits of farm tools, curios, and imported objects made up to look like British collectibles. There are lots of traps to fall in, and the teams stumble into many of the them, to the kindly amusement of the experts. When a team makes a big loss, Dickinson throws an arm around them and says consolingly, "Bad luck. Still, you've been good sports. Come on; let's get a cup of tea."

I am not an antiques collector and never will be, but I find these shows entertaining because you can learn a great deal in a very painless way. Did you know that small turned wood items are known as treen? Were you aware that there is a difference between silver hallmarks and makers' marks? And did you know that the term Tunbridgeware denotes a variety of wooden items with mosaic inlay? Just as fantasy tennis has taught me to never bet on sports events, Cash in the Attic and Bargain Hunt have taught me that you can't predict what will sell well at an auction just by looking at it. And it's fun, too. What more can you ask for?